the extent that divorces are becoming more common, women and men usually re-paired and children born of such unions are no longer unlawful for our modern conception, yet do not really know where to place within our family schedule. Is that families have changed in concept and in reality. Now the children are siblings by the father, the mother, by the second pair of father, sons of nephews who are half brothers and siblings with whom they have blood ties but fraternal. Stepmothers not look anything like the witches of fairy tales and stepparents who love and sometimes lost after the last divorce from the mother. The "who's who" in these new puzzles family can no longer organized according to kinship ties as physical but the emotional bonds that are established in very different ways. That's the big difference now: it does not stipulate who works as a parent, brother or uncle by blood heritage, but anyone willing to fulfill that role, under the agreement of all concerned, just take it over. For children
these things are often very simple. They have problems in love with two, three or twenty people. Often, those who have problems are the elderly, who we admit is more complex in our emotional circuitry to more individuals than we had calculated.
accidentally happens that we fall for someone. Say, for example, Remedios falls for Juan Carlos. Remedios is young and has no children and want them. If there is anything you like Remedios your partner, a father is charming. Juan Carlos has two young children, Mark aged 6 and 4 year old Mercedes. Watch him play with their children, we see them scurrying on Sundays and when bedtime strokes, fills of tenderness and passion for the perfect man. Things are going so well that they decide to live together, even have discussed the possibility of having children later. Life smiles.
Well, it turns out that Remedios fell in love with Juan Carlos but did not anticipate that this would fuel the love for these two children from that time become part of their family life. In daily life, the difficulties appear, colored by the real constraints that bring the presence of young children: basically restrict the freedom and autonomy. So. We no longer have our time and our energy as before, the children and their needs are first. Important differences may also appear on the mother of children, different conceptions in the art of raising and all sorts of misunderstandings, obvious reasons why Juan Carlos and his ex-wife are not together. Unconsciously seek remedies retain Juan Carlos for himself, at the same time seek to remove that territory annoying children. The problem is that Juan Carlos 'only' does not exist. It is "JuanCarlosconsusdoshijos." This is one of the most common misunderstandings when we building a stepfamily without knowing that we are founding. I mean, one thing is in love with a man or a woman with children, and another is to realize that all links committed to that individual, necessarily includes their children.
often pretend to ignore the evidence of the unfailing presence of the children of the person we love, sustaining the illusion that being alone and completely available to us. However, if we decide to cohabit, we must surrender to reality as it is and reach agreement on many more situations than usual within a couple without children. When we commit ourselves to live with others' kids, we must be very clear about each other about what we are able to offer, what we ask in return, what area of \u200b\u200bfreedom we give to our family to care for their children, especially if we are not own children, and above all, we are entitled to know the hidden plot of the links of these children on their parents or caregivers most of the time.
Conversely, if Milan is one who has three children, say you have to Clara of 14 years, and twins Lorenzo and Martin 10 years, and Juan Carlos who decides to live with these children, will have to discuss and "put on the table "in great detail the living arrangements, what each one is truly in a position to offer the other, the time available and especially if you are able to tolerate the procedure for raising or ideas that each one stands in relation to education of children. The same applies if you have children and Milagros Juan Carlos also has children. Depend on who the children who live permanently in the house together, ages and level of conflict with each of the former spouses, which facilitates or worse understanding between the parties.
Precisely, one of the factors we take into account the time to join us ... is that we share life-whether we admit it or not, with the former spouses, own and our partner, as they are present in each outburst of children , every frown, every disease and every decision-making. That is the real surprise! And the worse news is to realize that the former in-laws are also invited to the party (in fact, were not invited, but appeared as the moisture in the wall) and we have to accept that are part of the family, through thick and thin. Be willing to join
families is a exceptional generosity and openness. Because it is not only of passionate love between a man and a woman with a consequent desire to be together. When one of the two-or both-have children, plan the future together includes multiple variables, both as individuals are part of the decision taken only by the couple in love and without the consent of children. Ie it is necessary to exercise patience, dialogue, explanations, listening genuine and true intention to give children something as valuable as the understanding and the company, thanks to children's adjustment to new family pattern. The family assembled forces us to tolerate differences, to offer our virtues-whether the peace, economic solvency, the humor, which supports an extended family, friendliness, availability for dialogue or whatever benefit credited all-for a joint family is always a challenge. We adults have a duty to cultivate love for children that are not themselves, if we want children to learn to live together, be respectful and supportive, either with their brothers blood or life, and feel each other which are at home. If everyday experience is based on dialogue and acceptance of differences, all will be increasingly able to accommodate the needs of large and small nourishing the range of perceptions and sensations that constitute us.
Moreover, it is worthwhile to reflect on what it means to "own children". How that concept has to do with the appropriation of children as if they were a commodity. And it would be good for all humanity that we learn to regard all children as their own, especially if we have to live with them.
In contrast, when the pair formed and in front of the assembled family divides the territories within the house between yours and mine, the prognosis is complicated. In those cases we evaluate whether it is better to have a relationship without living together, so that the children themselves and others do not become hostages of our disputes.
The encouraging news is that in stepfamilies share lots of vitality. Usually there are children of different ages, children or adolescents who live a few days with the mother and other parent's home, there are vacation to each other. It is common that a child wants to share activities in the home of the mother or father of his brother, former spouse of the couple of their own parent. It's funny because we are lost in the family map, in fact there are families who playfully drawn maps indicating to not get lost in the maze of inter-family ties and hang in the entrance to that home visitors to know who is who. It is the play of differences. It is the game of freedom. Laura Gutman
0 comments:
Post a Comment